delilah0516

It's been awhile : /

2006-01-13T02:51:25Z

Well, time has really flown by. I guess with the New Year I should start making more of an effort to get my thoughts down.

So the holidays were crazy. My first year having to split them between two families. And it is exhausting. I can only imagine it will get harder as the families keep getting bigger and further apart. But despite the business they were good. I got many nice presents and got to spend some quality time with my family which happens less and less frequently these days.

My life is going pretty well. Starting of the New Year with a bang. Winning my first poker game! YAY! Got my first kiss of the year, and god willing will be my first kiss every year from now on. Things are going great with Chris and I. Despite my paranoia and my craziness. He sticks by me and somehow keeps his patience. And every day I find myself more and more in love. I always imagined how my wedding would be and the person I married was just an after thought. Now the idea of a wedding is all just extra frills. Just being able to marry him is enough. To wake up together for the rest of our lives, to start a family together. It's all more than I ever thought I would get. Now don't get me wrong, things are not always rosy. We certainly have our disagreements and I can get pretty cranky at 3 am when his snoring is keeping me up. But overall things are wonderful and I can't imagine finding anyone more perfect. It's just ironic that the love of my life turned out to be Chris, especially after all the years I spent pining for his brother. Guess I just needed to be ready to see what was right in front of me.

I've been on vacation this week. It's been nice just relaxing. Got some cleaning done. Not as much as I had planned, but at least a little. Tomorrow it's back to the Bucket for a quick shift and then Saturday it's off to my first trip to Canada! I'm looking forward to a weekend away, just Chris and I. Then back to work Tuesday night. I guess the fun never lasts :)

Randi tagged me

2005-10-27T06:54:21Z

10 things that make me happy :)

1. Chris
2. Kylie
3. Mt daddy
4. Days off
5. Dance class
6. Sex
7. Snow
8. Thunderstorms
9. My bed
10. Popcorn

Tag:
Chris
Sam

A long weekend

2005-10-12T22:24:50Z

Well it was a long and interesting weekend. I started the weekend by getting into a small accident on my way home from work Friday morning. Nothing dramatic, just some scraped paint cause she wasn't paying attention and I misinterpreted her driving, but it was enough to knock me out of my good spirits! The rest of Friday was fairly uneventful. I got to finally see Chris and we headed out to dinner with Tom and Erin that night.

And after a wonderful night together we woke up to a horrible noise. After checking under the bed to find that the pegs under it had shifted I hopped back into bed, thinking to fix it when we got up for the day. Well no such luck! No sooner than I had settled in then the whole bed made this awful noise and we leaped out of bed. The supports underneath had fallen out! So it was an early start to our Saturday, flipping the mattress off and running around getting supplies and cutting wood to fix the bed. The worst part was having to tell my father we broke the bed! So after a very long day we managed to get the bed fixed and a little more supported. After Chris had dinner with my father (I love that he can do that!), we all sat down for some family dominoes time. Considering how early we got up, Chris and I were up pretty late...which meant we were both exhausted when we went to bed, which usually leads to some misunderstandings and this time a little break down. Unfortunately I have been stressed and tired, and with the events of the day it just all came pouring out. But after my tears and we talked things through and were all happy again. We just have different ways of communicating which leads to misunderstandings from time to time.

We woke up Sunday morning and the bed had held. But I was late for riding so we had to get creative with our time management. Chris dropped me off, which left me in the rain for a bit waiting for him when I was done, but no worries. We then had some lunch and ran to his house quick before heading down to New Bedford so Chris could hang out with Tom while Erin and I went to a Partylite party. Well, silly me thought I should drive down and I would let Chris drive us back. Well, not to far along 195 was a nice flattened box on the rainy highway, which I managed to hit very nicely and send myself into a skid. So I slid around two lanes of the highway and into the breakdown lane. I somehow managed not to hit the jersey barrier head on, but bumped my rear end into it. Well, that stopped my skid, but busted my light and scraped up my paint (not too bad considering just how bad it could have been if I had hit someone or someone had run into me). Of course the tears start, my poor car, plus I felt like an ass for getting into two accidents in three days. But Chris was patient and calmed me down and we made it to New Bedford without further incident. (Yes, Erin drove from there to Quincy, no one wants to be with me while I'm behind the wheel now!). So back to his parents house that evening and their lovely squeaky bed. Hopefully his parents are sound sleepers!

Monday morning came without incident. Off to the movies with my dad. And then back to hanging out with Chris. Tried without success to get the parts to fix my car. Watched Firefly with he and my dad. All in all a pretty uneventful day, but I was waiting for the disaster, since the previous 3 days had had one, but it never came.

Tuesday came, and amazingly I wasn't cranky (which is my norm for the end of the weekend). Chris and I had a lovely morning together in my empty house. Then trekked off to fix my car, which was a rather painful thing for me to watch. I love that my man is handy, but I don't like watching someone tear apart my car. But with only a few short words we managed to get the car together and working. After a quick goodbye it was off to the vets and then to work.

So all in all it was a hectic weekend, with some terrible points. But all the trials just make me love Chris more. That he is so patient with me and is there to help me through everything. I don't have to ask he just does what he can to help. And after two projects this weekend we managed not to kill each other I'd say we are doing pretty well as a couple. The communicating will get better with time as we learn what the other is trying to say. I just feel so lucky and blessed that he has come into my life! I only wish our romance wasn't confined to the weekends!

How the mighty fall!

2005-09-20T02:53:23Z

Well, today I took quite the tumble. After years of intermittent riding, and just about a year of recent steady riding, I have finally fallen off a horse. Not as terrible as I pictured, certainly not fun though. I suppose the only way to never fall is to never try anything new. Which is what I was trying. Attempting to learn how to canter...boy those saddles can slide...and the horse really doesn't care if you are fallen off. Luckily, I seem to be able to take a fall pretty well. No broken bones! Just a skinned shoulder and one very sore hip. Not even a bruise, which I usually seem to get so easily! I had to call out of work...my walking is slightly impaired. I just hope in the morning I'm still able to move and my back hasn't decided to throw off some sympathy pain for my hip! Luckily I have my nice cushy bed to crawl into.

On the personal front things are going well. Actually, things are going better than I ever could have imagined. Of course there have been some uncomfortable times. Mostly involving my awkwardness with his family. Of course I know his family...since i've dated two of their sons. I don't recall finding things so awkward with other peoples' families...but for some reason I can never think of anything to say when I am around them. But each time seems a little better, and hopefully with more time I will soon be being harassed, just as if it were my own family. And one of the bigger hurdles has been crossed. Spending time with the ex and his recent girlfriend. Actually wasn't as awkward as it could have been. It has been many, many years since we've dated so I'm not quite sure why there is tension at all. Just a weird situation I suppose. But one we now know we can all live through. And his girlfriend is pleasant enough...be it young, but pleasant. And after I was still convinced I have the pick of the litter, which is a good feeling.

A big step

2005-08-30T20:54:29Z

Well, this weekend was interesting. A big step was taken in my relationship. A step I've never taken before. It may be something simple to other people, but it was a big show of trust for me. I let Chris drive my car this weekend. I've never let someone drive it. A few people have parked it before, mostly my family, but I've never let someone take it anywhere. Of course it took gulping down half my drink at once, and a little bit of hyperventilating in the passenger seat, but I was able to do it. Sounds silly I know, but this is coming from someone with both control and trust issues. So to allow someone to drive my car is a major step. Perhaps I've finally found someone I'm willing to trust.

delilah0516 @ 2005-08-24T09:03:00

2005-08-24T13:12:26Z

Well, time has past and things are only getting better. It's been a long time since I have felt so secure in a relationship. It's a good feeling. My 2 month fear is quickly fading. Of course I still get this panicky feeling when I think too far into the future, but I think it's because it's an actually reality this time. It's a little scary to date someone you could see yourself with in the long run.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm trying to just enjoy things as they are, and they are good. I still think I should write Kevin a big thank you letter, because without his breakup I may have missed this wonderful opportunity!

Surprise

2005-08-12T21:27:13Z

Well, it finally happened. The big C word. If there is ever a moment when your life freezes it's then. I knew this day would come so I don't know why I'm really surprised. I have all the risk factors. I guess there is just something about hearing it, makes your stomach drop. Now, of course everything is fine. Luckily I ignored all the people mocking me for being paranoid and got it checked in time. Now I just need to go have some more of my arm cut out and then start seeing a dermatologist. Of course this probably won't help my paranoia since I'm already a bit of a hypercondriac. But now I'll know someone else is watching my skin and it's not just up to me. It will take a load off my mind!

This certainly puts other things in my life in perspective too. I guess every know and then you need a wake up call to remind you what life is all about.

Now that I'm done freaking out I'll spend the rest of the day thanking God I listened to the little, be it paranoid, voice in my head and that everything is going to be ok.

:)

2005-08-09T22:30:13Z

I don't know how I spent so much time thinking I wanted one thing, when something a million times better was right in front of me! I'm just glad that I have finally seen it before something great passed me by. I'm not sure how this will all end, but I'm happy to be along for the ride. I'll see where this all takes me!

Up and down we go

2005-08-08T04:03:07Z

Well, my two relationships seem to have completely flipped. A month ago things seemed to be progressing with one guy but not the other. Now things are stalling with him while surprisingly things with the other are going places I never imagined (and not just physical). Life throws a few surprises every now and then! I still hate to make a hasty decision, if I had earlier, Id be missing out on so much now. The two month mark is coming up. I'm hoping to come to some conclusion around then. Why break with tradition? I still feel nervous about the thought of actually having something real. A reason why I want to take my time moving on this. If I rush I'll just freak myself out. This way things are talked out at each step and it all seems a little less intimidating. I have what could be a few promising weekends ahead of me. I find myself really looking forward to them.

On a different track my parents arrive home tomorrow. That means my little sleepovers stop until a decision is made. I don't think my parents would understand. To them sleeping over means having sex, and it's not about that at all (not that I would mind!). I enjoy the closeness of having someone there. Just having someone to curl up with as I sleep. I can have sex any time of day, sleeping together is a different level of intimacy I think. I'm sure the next week will be hell though, with my mother raving that Hawaii was wonderful and they should move there, how nothing here is good, and her job sucks. Sometimes I think vacations are counter productive for her. She comes back more miserable then when she left because she thinks anywhere is better than home. Ah well, I can make myself scarce. Besides, I'm keeping my fingers crossed on hitting the Powerball on Wednesday. I actually won the two bucks back Saturday night, so here's hoping the next tickets are even luckier!

Missing parts

2005-08-05T20:12:05Z

Well, my mole has been removed. I've gotten so accustomed to looking at it every day and fretting, that I kind of miss it. It wasn't too traumatic taking it off, and luckily I can just take the stitches out myself in a week. The perk of working in a hospital. It was a little sore yesterday, but its good today. Not the neatest stitches, but I already have a bunch of scars on my wrist, what's one more?

I'm still in my debate over the boys. It's crazy how my emotions vacillate so much. I'm back and forth about how I feel about each one. Plus my own insecurities add a whole extra layer. I suppose it's a problem that I don't feel good enough.

This summer has been wearing. I'm ready for a little break in the temperature. I wake up cranky almost every day with this terrible heat. I will take cold over hot any time. I'm sure I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around. I'm not sure how I've managed to keep two guys interested with all this. Although the two month mark is quickly approaching and I know what that means!

Still Here

2005-07-26T20:25:25Z

Well, nothing has changed. I'm still just as confused between my two boys. I've made a decision several times, but I just can seem to make it stick in my mind. It would be easier if one of them was a jerk. It would have been nice to have options for some of the losers I've dated in the past. Anywho, the struggle continues. In the meantime, I am having a nice time with each guy so I guess that's good. I'm just trying to enjoy things, but I feel a lot of outside pressure that I need to make a decision.

Work finally called to give me some time off and I turned them down. I wonder if my night is going to suck now. I'm holding out hope that I can get Friday night off. Of course there are tons of people on overtime Friday so it's less likely. Hmm, maybe I should have just taken it today...then I could have stopped by the softball game. Oh well, too late now. It will just be another long and boring night at work.

On a bright note my parents leave in a couple days. Unfortunately I'm working most of the nights they are gone, but I am looking forward to having the house to myself while my sister works :) No party this year unfortunately, but perhaps I can still make the week interesting ;)

An evening out

2005-07-20T06:50:05Z

I went out with a couple girls from work tonight. It was a blast. Just what I needed, to get away from the craziness of my life for a little while. We are an unusual group, we have a twenty-something, thirty-something, and a fourty-something. But some how we all get along great and have a fabulous time together. We went to supper and sat back and drank the night away. The neighbor came over and hung out with us for awhile too. We talked about everything.

Of course throughout the night I continued to mull on my dilemma. Several times I thought I had come up with a solution, but then I would get to thinking, and I would feel unsure again. When I got home I discovered an email from an old friend and it made me wonder if I will ever be happy with just one person. Maybe I just haven't met the right person, but I have never been in a relationship where I don't think about being with other people. Even when I thought I was with the love of my life, there was someone else (not that I cheated, but I certainly noticed someone else). Reading this stupid email, which in no way implies anything, brought up all sorts of feelings I used to have for this guy. Maybe it's the anxiety of trying to find something real, I get nervous and do what I can to destroy it. Stupid subconscious. I just wish my feelings were more clear. How can I tell anyone how I feel about them when I can't figure it out in my own head! Two great guys and someone is going to get hurt. And I have this awful feeling that whatever decision I make it will be the wrong one.

the good, the bad

2005-07-18T17:15:48Z

In the movies dating multiple people always looks fun and easy. It certainly hasn't been that way for me. Maybe I'm just too much of an emotional person. My whole 'keep my distance' plan has failed miserably. Saturday was a fabulous day. I couldn't believe what a good time I had. He has turned out to be completely different from what I was expecting. But now I'm feeling nervous. I've gotten the 'I'm looking for something serious' speech before. I really don't want to relive my last relationship. Things are always good for me a few weeks in, I guess I can be pretty charming then. But I have this fear of things falling apart in another month, with both guys. I'm ok with being alone, I just would like to get past that two month curse I seem to have developed. Opening yourself up is just a nerve-racking thing. No one wants to get hurt and I certainly don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to become an emotional closed off person, but I'm scared to let myself go. Plus opening myself up means I have to make a choice and someone gets hurt, I'm not sure I'm ready to choose, but I don't want to leave both guys hanging either.
Sunday was good too. Always relaxing, in a confusing way. It's been a long time since I've tried dating a friend, and I find myself shy to cross that line. I don't want to ruin a good friendship. And extra guilt is added on knowing someone else has expressed interest in him. I certainly dont want to hold anyone back. I don't think I'm worth waiting for, or missing a good opportunity for. :(

When did life get so confusing?

All growd up

2005-07-16T03:45:19Z

Tonight was great! Sam took me to the Capital Grill. What a great place. I have never been there before, but it was wonderful...of course I am a big steak fanatic anyways. It was nice to eat some place nice but not so fancy that I felt too out of place. I mean I like eating at McDonald's, so I'm not really a classy gal. But the Capitol Grill was nice. I got to get dressed up, have a great dinner, and sip on wine. I don't know why but for some reason that makes me feel very grown up. I can chug back hard liquor, but it's just so much more elegant to have a glass of wine. I brought my leftovers home and I am looking forward to having them for lunch tomorrow. We walked around Providence a little bit after. It was beautiful out, so it was a nice way to over come that slightly too full feeling. All in all it turned out to be a great evening. I think I'll just pretend that my real birthday never happened, and this replaces it. I could certainly get used to being treated this way! Although I was a little shocked when I saw the prices. Probably not that bad if you normally eat well, but again, I eat at McDonald's. But it was definitely a nice treat :)

It's going to continue to be a busy weekend. I'm back out with Steve tomorrow. I was thinking we would do dinner and then meet up with the bar crawl people. Not that I want to go out and get smashed, but I never mind a chance to get my groove thing on! However, Steve surprised me by suggesting going to the aquarium. I don't know quite how I was expecting him to be, but I find he often surprises me. It's a nice touch :) Then Sunday is riding and hopefully meeting up with Chris (after a shower of course!) Not quite sure what we are doing. Maybe a trip to the zoo. I've been trying to go for some time, but it's hard to fit in with my weird schedule. I'm not sure how great the weather will be...the beach is always nice in a storm. I know I'm weird, but if you've seen my skin you'll understand why I prefer the beach in a storm!

Well, it's about time to head to bed. I only got 3 or so hours of sleep today. Of course I'm awake now, it's my normal time to be up, but hopefully when I crawl into bed my tiredness will take over!

The dating game

2005-07-15T01:54:25Z

Why does dating have to be so difficult? Sometimes it seems less painful to just be alone. Dating multiple people always looks so easy when other people do it. But I am finding worrying about all these peoples feelings produces a lot of stress. I have a great time with both guys and certainly don't want to hurt either one. And of course I'd like to prevent myself from getting hurt as well! I do like that I'm less focused on making things work with each one. I'm just taking things as they come. Of course that could become a problem if they start to expect more. Also, hopefully I can get a little more of a relationship developed with each one before we get too physical. I am a rather impatient person, so hopefully having two people will make me wait longer rather than making me twice the whore.

Well, I am off to work in a little bit. I hope tonight is better. I'm at the bucket instead of RIH so there is a small chance. Although the last two times I have been there haven't been too pleasant. I think maybe I just need a vacation. I don't like either of my bosses and have been feeling very stressed at work. I don't think it helps that we have had two young people die recently. I'm still looking into the travel nursing. It would be nice to get away. But it will be postponed now...not until January at the earliest. I want to make sure everything is all set with Kylie before I leave. I hate to leave my puppy at home, but I don't think she would like moving around the country. Maybe I'll just find a nice house before then and decide to stay. Of course, one of these guys could always decide to stick around past two months, and then I may want to stay home! Guess I'll just have to wait and see where life takes me.

The possibilities

2005-07-09T05:59:08Z

Well, date #2 seemed to be a success. Went to the movies first, saw the Fantastic Four. A pretty good movie. Although there were these kids behind us making obnoxious comments throughout the movie which was a little annoying. But I've learned from previous experiences. And since it wasn't that bad I just kept my mouth shut. Then we went and got a little bite to eat and a drink. After we popped in a movie at my place, but we only got about half way through before we were starting to fall asleep and had to say goodnight. The goodbye was slightly less awkward this time, although the height difference makes the need for creative intervention. We agreed to go out again, not sure when though. My schedule is so crazy. But I'm sure we'll find a time.

One of the nice things about dating two people is I don't find myself worrying about people calling me or making definite plans. It is interesting the differences though of how I feel around the two. One I've been friends with for so long, that most of the time I feel so comfortable with him. Maybe too comfortable. I don't mind throwing on my PJs and hanging out, and I don't really worry about what I put on when we go out. He's seen me cranky and tired and still wants to date, so I can pretty much be myself. I don't feel like I need to try to be more in order to impress him. With my other guy I feel the need to put on a few more airs. I put the make-up on, try to find nice outfits. I guess I feel like I need to make more of an impression. Of course there is still the tension about crossing that friend line with the first guy. I've put so much pressure on our first kiss that now I am petrified to do it. Which isn't me, normally I'm all over everyone. But I know that a kiss will change things. Either we'll discover that there is nothing there beyond a mutual attraction or we'll see that there is, and our friendship will never be the same. Of course we've dated before and somehow became friends again. I guess eventually I'll just have to take a deep breath and jump.

A new experience

2005-07-03T04:30:50Z

It's amazing how little my world seems sometimes - as in how little I am exposed to. Tonight I had the pleasure of attending a Gabba Dance. My cousin is marrying a lovely Hindu girl, so my family has been able to be involved in all these wonderful cultural experiences. Now by family I mean my immediate family, because my extended family is so closed minded that they do not wish to participate. It's so bad that they are choosing to skip the Hindu service part of the wedding. I am really looking forward to it. But my family is very rigid and un-accepting, so of those that are going, most are just going to the Christian service. Now you may say that thats what the Christian service is for - since that is our beliefs. Well I certainly don't expect her family to leave halfway through the day just because their beliefs differ from mine, so I don't see why my family can't support my cousin and show for both services. Besides, it should be very interesting and educational to see how other cultures perform weddings.

Anyways, the dance was beautiful. I was all nerved up about what to wear, the bride gave us no indication of how to dress - casual or fancy. I ended up with a nice strapless dress so as to fit in with casual or somewhat dressy. I usually aim to stick out, and I don't think it would have mattered what I put on, I would have succeeded tonight. Since my immediate family and my cousins immediate family were the only white people there (about 12 of us) we really stood out. All the Hindu woman had sorries (sp?) on. They all looked beautiful, but it was like everyone having the same dress on, just made with a different material. So those few of us who had more 'american' type clothes stood out a bit. Not to mention my ghostly white skin and blond hair really set me apart. But I did get up and dance. Not surprising, I know, I love to dance. My cousins wife-to-be showed us the steps and I was able to follow well enough. It was similar to line dancing. You just keep doing the same steps over and over in a circle. Still fun though. It was a beautiful sight to see all the womens outfits swirling together as they turn. I think it's great to have all these customs and traditions. My family really lacks that. Not to mention how friendly these people are. They are almost falling all over themselves to be kind and inviting to us. It's so nice and so unlike my larger family.

The only sad part about tomorrow is it just reminds me of how much my grandmother is missing. I guess it's not really sad, just a sore spot with me. My grandmother, who considers herself a devote Catholic, refuses to go to any wedding that is not officiated by a priest. Which means she has missed one her daughters wedding, and this will be the third grandchild's wedding she has missed. This woman is such a hypocrite. Someone who feels so strongly about her religion that she refuses to acknowledge the legitimacy of any other. Now of course she got pregnant at 17 and her father literally chased my grandfather with a shot gun to marry her. Now I'm pretty sure that premarital sex is a big no-no to a devote Catholic, especially 50 odd years ago. Personally it's not something I believe (obviously), but it just seems to me that someone who has made mistakes shouldn't be so high and mighty (he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone). Really all it is is an excuse. She doesn't want to take the time to experience anything with her family. It's upset me to the point I don't even want to invite her to my wedding (if that day should ever come). She has never attending any meaningful function in my life before, why should she start now. No birthdays, no religious milestones (i would like to say it was not just a priest but a bishop at my confirmation), no graduations. I only see this woman when I go to her, and therefore I have decided to stop making the effort. It's sad because my father's mother was such a wonderful grandmother, just what you would picture a grandmother to be. She did all the fun stuff with us, and was always there. Someone I called once to pick me up sick from school, thats how there she was for us. Now I'm left with my 'not real grandmother' (as we called her when we were little). It is terribly unfortunate, and I think her apathy for family functions has trickled down. I remember when our family's side of a church was packed at a wedding. Well, my family has only gotten bigger, but it seems less and less of them make the effort. Im glad that my immediate family is close and I hope that as we grow older and have our own families we don't start to splinter off. That we don't stop taking the time for each other.

I'm sure I've ranted and raved enough (can you tell I have a lot of pent up feelings about this issue?). I should head to bed so that I can be awake for what I sure will be two beautiful ceremonies tomorrow.

Winning the war

2005-07-01T12:29:46Z

Work sucked again last night. Really makes me second guess not taking the job I was offered...yeah the one where I would make an extra $8,000 or so in three months. Stupid integrity. I would be that much closer to my house. Of course at the end of the three months I would have to look for a job, or travel to a different assignment, probably out of state. I just like it so much better when my job is exciting. Now I'm wishing I could get tonight off. I can think of a million things I would rather be doing.

I saw my ex's sister last night. I wanted to badly to tell her how great things are for me, that our breaking up was the best thing for me, and now instead of one loser I have two great guys. But I couldn't think of a way to slip all that into the small talk without seeming petty. Ah well, maybe the word will get around to her, and therefore to him. I guess it's a little pathetic of me, but with our yucky breakup I just want him to know I was back on my feet fast.

Well, I am enjoying things for now. All this attention is wonderful, especially since the last guy couldn't make any time for me. It's nice to know some people will go out of their way to see and talk to me. And of course double the boys means double the happiness. Although in two months will it be double the sadness? Because inevitably things will come crashing down then, thats when they always do. Perhaps I should have staggered this a bit better so that I wouldnt hit the two month mark at the same time with each. Ah well, too late to change now. Maybe my luck will change, maybe this is the recipe I need to get a good relationship rolling.

Off to bed now. It's a nice, rainy day to sleep. Then up for more work. The sad life of a working gal, spending Friday night on the job ;P

Date # 1

2005-06-28T04:39:04Z

Well, I'm back into dating again. I'm glad it didn't take as long this time. Usually it seems to take me months to find someone willing to go out with me. This break up was just good timing I guess :) I don't think I've ever been so happy about a breakup that I didn't expect before. But let me tell you, it was a relief at the wedding not to have to worry about the loser I had strapped to me.

Anywho, the date. Well, I forgot to warn this poor guy that I live with my parents. So while I was in the bathroom having a button emergency, he had to stand and make conversation with my father and sister. He seemed to hold up well though. And the great surprise, he brought me a flower. Such a simple gesture, but very effective. And it makes sense too, now for the next few days I have a reminder of him, a great way to keep a girl thinking about you. I don't know why more guys don't do this. I haven't gotten a flower since my anniversary with Sam, and that was how many years ago? I had a guy bring my mom flowers once, but not me...what does that say?
So anyways, we went to the Olive Garden for a late dinner. Things were a little awkward, but they always are on the first date. Although, I didn't feel as sick as I usually do on a first date, I'm not sure if that is a good or bad sign. Dinner was good, and there weren't too many long pauses. Check time is always weird for me. I never know if I am supposed to offer to pay for myself. I do sometimes and it seems to make some people uncomfortable, so I didn't this time. I figure he asked me out and if there are more dates I can pay sometime in the future. Since I live in such a little town, there wasn't much to do after dinner. We sat and talked for a little while, but when they started cleaning around us we got the hint and left. At home there is the awkward goodbye. I never know what people expect at the end of the date. So I gave him a hug and a little kiss. We made tentative plans for next week, so I take that as a sign he enjoyed his time with me. Plus he called later in the evening to find out when he should call me tomorrow :)

Now the dating dilemma begins. I've dated two people at the same time once, but one lived in Minnesota at the time so it wasn't too tough. It seems that this is how dating is supposed to be. You date a few people until you decide you like someone enough to stick with just that one. Well, I'll give it a whirl and see. I think I've been trying to hard to force myself into a relationship, maybe this way I'll be forced to keep things casual until I'm really ready. I have to say I am excited and still feeling pretty good about myself. I am someone who enjoys attention so this is perfect!

waiting for the other shoe to drop...

2005-06-24T21:33:01Z

Well, I've been riding high for almost a week now. Feeling pretty good about myself and my choices. Now the self doubt is settling in. I always wonder if people are just interested because I happen to be around. One of those back up people. You know, someone you date until someone better comes along. Well what if everyone realizes time is ticking by and so in their desperation they turn to a last resort. I know I come across as desperate, I've been talking about getting married for years without having a steady relationship. I guess there is no harm in it all. A few dates may do me good. I push to hard for people to be someone I can settle down with. Maybe I should just start enjoying the company and time spent and things will fall into place when they do. I do tend to rush through life in general, always convinced that the next stage is going to be better. Time to slow down and smell the roses!

HeeHee

2005-06-23T13:08:08Z

What a great last few days! Really been a boost to my ego. A much needed one too I might add. Not only are there three guys, but they are all great guys! Who knows, by next week I could be old news, but for now I'm going to revel in the attention. It's been quite some time since I actually dated a nice guy. Could be just the change I need. I definitely need to ponder on things some more before I make a decision. That is if the options are all still open to me at that time, these guys could be as fickle as me. Alls I want to do right now is write Kevin a thank you note for breaking up with me. It was the best thing that could have happened because my choices now are far superior to him! Funny how life is. The saying is true, for every door that closes, a window opens :) I'm so happy to be happy!

It's all over!!

2005-06-20T20:42:14Z

Well, life is slowly returning to normal. After being in wedding mode for two and a half years, it's finally all done. The whole weekend was great. The ceremony was beautiful. I was teary eyed through the whole thing. The reception was a blast. I don't think I stopped dancing except to go to the bathroom! Everyone seemed to have a great time. Most of their friends were willing to get up and dance, so there were some great moves on the dance floor. It was a perfect day too, the weather cooperated, and the reception hall had a great view!
I was excited that one of their work friends ask for my number. It was someone I had noticed other times we had gone out, but never really got the vibe from him that he was interested. I was riding high on that until I was told the next day by the bride that he was hitting on everyone because he was so drunk. What a let down. It's nice to know that thats the only time people notice me, when they're so drunk they hit on everyone. And like a fool I gave him my number, now I definitely don't expect to hear from him. He probably doesn't even remember who's number it is.

Of course there is some let down now too. I don't know what to do with myself. Everything seemed to go into planning these two weddings. Now there is nothing. I'm still working on the trip to NYC, but it feels weird not to have this big event that I am planning all my time around.

Ah well. I can only hope that some day I find someone that compliments me as well as Tom and Erin compliment each other. Then we'll be planning my big bash! In the mean time I'm feeling nervous of the thought of settling down. Isn't it weird how you go through phases. It seems after every other relationship I change my mind. I think I just get scared of all the jerks I keep dating, and worry about really falling for one and ending up in a shitty relationship. I guess for now I'll just enjoy the time with myself, and look forward to going to NYC. Maybe when I return I'll be ready to date again. I just don't think I have the guts to start something right now.

Finally Free!!

2005-06-12T05:53:43Z

The most amazing thing happened tonight. I have this ex that I compare everyone to. No relationship can ever live up to ours. When ever I heard his name I would get all knots in my stomach and the thought of having to see him would drive me crazy and put me on edge. Well I saw him again tonight. I can't remember the last time I saw him, I'm sure it has been years. So I saw him and...nothing. It was the most amazing thing. I felt nothing. This person I've placed so high for so many years just isn't what I want. It was so freeing. Of course I do still cherish the relationship we had and I desperately hope that I feel that way about someone again...but it just isn't him. He isn't this amazing thing that I somehow lost. He's just another person who contributed to my life, he doesn't define it. This left me feeling so great that even the comment comparing my chest to a wall didn't bother me. Certainly if I can get past this I have hope I can find someone who loves me for my small breast, not despite them!

I feel so good about myself right now. I'm sure the exercise I got the last two days helped. And I don't feel like I am melting any more thanks to some central air. Plus having an actual meal today I'm sure helped. I feel so hopeful. It would be nice to meet someone, but now I don't feel like I need to. Amazing how such a little thing can change my whole thought process. I'm not sure how long this euphoria will last, but I'm certainly going to enjoy the ride!

Just one more week! I can't believe the wedding is so close. I'm actually having nightmares now. I don't want to screw up any of the little things I have to do. I want this day to be perfect. I can't imagine two people more suited for each other.

I am off to bed. Just have a week left to fight off this cold. It won't look very nice if I am hacking up a lung on the altar!

A silly phone call

2005-06-10T03:22:23Z

How crazy is it that I am so scared to make a phone call. I suppose it's the fear of rejection. What if he is dating someone...or worse, what if he just isn't interested any more. I have all these day dreams running through my head that could all be based on something that no longer exists. Perhaps too much time has gone by. It's just over a week now till I see him. Perhaps I should just wait, holding my breath, to see how things are. Not that anything will change. He will leave again, and when he will return who knows. And I may be headed to New York. Long distance never worked for me. Our timing has just never been right. Perhaps that is a sign.

My mother says I don't put myself out there. I'm not sure how out there she wants me to be. Should I rent a billboard? I've tried online dating and blind dates. The bar scene doesn't produce too much, and I'm not sure it would be the type of person I am looking for. You would think with the many residents that pass through the unit I could meet someone, but not. It seems the majority of my female friends are taken, so I don't even have someone to go trolling with. I guess I'm just at that age where people seem to be settling down. I believe I am the only single person under 35 at my job. It's so bad everyone at work is pointing out people to me. I don't feel desperate, I just feel ready. Maybe a trip to NYC will help. Give me a little independence and perspective.

I do feel a little better about going to NYC. I filled out my application for the travel company. Now I just need to call the state and find out what paperwork needs to be filled out for me to get my license. I do wish it was a bit easier to get reciprocity. I have a license in two other states, you would think all they need is proof from those states, but no...they want transcripts and proof I went to an accredited school, which I've had to prove two other times. My sister said she would watch my dog for a fee. This I am hoping will keep my mom from getting upset with my dog, and get mad at my sister instead...who can't be thrown out. I'd hate to come home and find my dog gone. Every time I see a commercial for a show in NYC I get a little more excited. I have always thought about living in the city for a bit before I settle down...now is my chance.

Now I'm off to bed. If I can sleep in this terrible heat. Where did spring go? I'm so sad that the middle seasons seem to be disappearing. Fall and spring are the best! Well, I have the AC cranked, and I didn't get too much sleep last night, so perhaps I have a chance of getting a little rest tonight.

To NYC or not

2005-06-06T00:55:30Z

Well, I have an offer to go to NYC. And of course this is the cool thing about my job, I could get a temporary job there, free furnished housing, and still get paid a great wage. One of the women I work with is heading out in September and asked me if I would like to go with her. I've wanted to do travel nursing but I'm so nervous and can think of a million excuses not to go. Starting with my dog. I've briefly talked to my parents about paying them to watcher her for the three months, but my mom hates my dog and I don't want her to kill my poor puppy, plus I'll miss her. Then there is losing my job. I would have to quit my position now, and there is no guarantee that I can get it back. Of course, I could get a new job, but I really like having my weekends free. Then there is leaving my family and living alone. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I know NYC isn't that far, but I've never really been away from my family. Even college my brother was there. I know this experience would be great for me. I just need to iron out the details (like if I can still go on my vacation to CA in October if I go), bite the bullet and go. There are no more weddings, no real reason to hold me back. Of course if I meet someone in the meantime, that could put a damper on things, but somehow, I don't see that happening.

Well, less than 2 weeks to the wedding. I'm really excited, even though I know I will be a total mess. I'll have to stuff all the guys pockets with kleenex for me. I'm actually glad now that Kevin is gone. I had thought about it before we broke up how much it will suck to have to worry about a boyfriend with all the cute guys that will be there, but now I don't have that problem :) I'll be able to dance my butt off, and there should be plenty of people there to dance with. It's going to be a total blast. Especially if I can stop weeping for any length of time! Plus I'm in the bridal party, isn't that supposed to make it easier to get some action! I really am excited for them, I can't imagine two people more suited for each other!

My AC is finally in. It will nice to be able to actually get some sleep now! I hate the warm weather, makes me cranky, especially when I wake up hot and sticky!